A Day Off

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“Here I stand feeling lost and so alone.  Take my hand; don’t desert me now. Please don’t hurt me now.”- Tom Springfield

 

ImageI didn’t run today.  I was sore…I was going to run but I have so much work today and got a call today about a meeting I have to go to.  I feel like it has been Murphy’s Law this week and I am fighting my way to the weekend.

I once gave someone a picture of a tree that had fallen into the water…I feel like that is me sometimes.  I can’t get up.  I feel like love is the only thing that can get me out of the water I am sinking in.  Maybe I was silly to give it to some one but call me crazy, it looked like a heart in the picture…the way the tree and the shadow met.  They didn’t like it and I guess I can’t blame that person.  How can they see something in it they cannot possibly understand? I don’t know why but even though I am reaching my goals and trying to work hard at my job, but I don’t feel any less alone. I am not used to going home and being so alone all the time when I don’t have Lilly.  

Sometimes it is great to be alone but the more I think about everything and no matter how much Lilly loves me it is hard to love myself after giving so much throughout my life and not being good enough. I’m starting to feel like just being alone is the best for me because I will never have to feel like a disappointment. I may be broke, divorced and have a three year old, but I feel like I have a good heart and got out of a terrible situation. I like to help others and I am more than eager to do different things. Im active and completely happy with my little girl….

So when does it get better? How does one find self-love when you have been told you were not good enough….is it possible?

Roll Over Miles?

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What is my motivation?   Cookies…a lot of cookies!  Well that isn’t really my motivation for running 40 miles…but it sure did help!

ImageThank you to my dear friend, Julie Besanson.  No sooner than finishing my final 40th mile, there was a knock on my door.  Julie came over tonight to make dinner, watch a show and bake cookies.  I felt bad that I didn’t help much but between Friday and today, I cranked out 30.5 miles…I am exhausted.  I did it though.  Despite the flu and work load this week, I made myself accomplish my goal.

 

 

Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies…..jealous?

 

Now that I have accomplished my goal, I know I can do this.  I was considering the possibility of roll over miles.  I only ran 40 this week but what happens if I run 45 next week?  Doesn’t it seem fair that I only have to run 35 the following week?  Absolutely not!  If i let myself slack then I will never keep my goals.  If I run more than 40 it just shows that I am committed.

So here is my proof of 40 miles:

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These 40 miles were brought to you by extremely hilly courses, dead animals, deer everywhere, a rooster, trucks honking, bright lights in my face at night, iPod music and weather that was indecisive!

 

This is not my fastest half marathon by any means, but strava has challenges every month so I completed the 10k challenge on Friday and my half marathon challenge on Saturday.  There are no rewards given out, but it feels great to “join” a challenge and actually complete it.  

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Today was my day to do 10.5 miles and it felt less than amazing with a sore back and hurting feet, but I stopped to finally catch a picture of my little deer buddies.  Yesterday there were about twenty of them (no joke).  They were so rude.  I was just running along and they all cut me off.  How rude!  So here is a glimpse of them.  They were less than thrilled about their flash photography moment.  

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Favorite song: ways to go by group love

“I’ve got a little bit longer….I’ve got a ways to go ohhh…” I certainly had a long ways to go!

Here is a breakdown of my week:

Monday- 1.5 (flu) 26 minutes

Tuesday- 6.2 pyramids  time: 52 minutes (-26 outside). 5 miles biking 14:34

Wednesday-2.1 (I had lilly) 20.57

Thursday- 0

saturday- 13.4 (9:32 pace)

sunday- hills 6.5 (8.50 pace)

sunday – cool down (4 miles) 9:21 pace

Friday- hills 6.4 pace(8:27)

 

 

 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Window

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“Because forgiveness is like this: a room can be dank because you have closed the windows, you’ve closed the curtains. But the sun is shining outside, and the air is fresh outside. In order to get that fresh air, you have to get up and open the window and draw the curtains apart.” -Desmond Tutu

This window brings up so many memories. I haven’t really been able to look out of it since I first moved here. I moved to Manlius, NY in October because I could have pets at my new apartment and it was a beautiful. There are hardwood floors, two bedrooms and there is a nice view overlooking a creek off in the distance. This apartment was supposed to be a new beginning and a way for my boyfriend to come visit with his dog.

I used to own a home. I had a terrible divorce and managed to escape it with my beautiful, extremely well-behaved little girl. When I got to know my first boyfriend since marriage, I realized how much I had to look forward to. For the first time in years, I felt like someone noticed me. We could do everything and anything together and I would be just as happy. Somewhere along the way I became lost. I became so lost in love that I didn’t notice he never loved me. I had fallen so head over heels for him and tried to be that girl who could make him smile no matter what.

Do you remember the exact moment you fall in love with someone? I do. We were in Maine. I went to Maine for a race and I wanted to show him Portland. We went to one of the islands on a boat and rented bikes. We left our bikes by the side of the road and climbed down onto the rocks and looked out at the ocean. We stood there and everything else didn’t seem to matter. I was with him and he was with me. I was lost in his eyes. I never wanted to leave that moment.

When he lost his job and had to fix up his house, I would have done anything to help him out. I remember those long nights after working all day. I was just happy to be there. I will never forget how happy I was when he found a job in Brewerton, since it meant he would not be leaving the state…but my heart was crushed when he hated it enough to move out of state for a new job. I wanted to be worth staying for. Since I have Lilly, I can’t move out of state. I wanted to be the girl he would never have to say good bye to. I had never felt that way before so when I wasn’t it crushed me.

This window is important because I will never forget the day I looked out it and life seemed to be going in the right direction. I had found that one person in life who understood me and who could enjoy doing the same things as me. He taught me to love biking and to rock the jeans. I could hang out all night and eat mounds of chili and he wouldn’t judge me.

When he came to get him things, he paused and looked out this very window. I can’t remember what he said because I was too busy wondering if this was the last time I would see him. This was our good bye. I wanted to be his girl. I don’t think I can ever belong to anyone else…no matter how much I try.

Before and After

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ImageIt is finally Friday!!!  I thought it would never get here.  So confession Friday!  Here is a recent picture of myself.  Pink is not my favorite color and I hate heels.  After being told by several people I look good in pink, I decided to go out on the limb and wear a pink dress.  I hate it.  I wish I had just worn blue!  Blue is my favorite color and after a couple of drinks, heels are not a good idea.  Moving on, I don’t get out much so it was nice to get out and have a good time.  A few less glasses of champagne would have been a good idea as well.  I will remember that for the next party I go to in about ten years. 

     Well so here is my confession Friday.  I am sharing a picture of myself before I lost a bunch of weight and I wanted to put a picture of my twin (who hasn’t written yet) on so you would realize there are in fact two people writing this blog…this is a hint to Shannon by the way.  Image  I am the one on the right.  I guess you can’t really tell as much so I will have to find a better one.  I cant wait.  Just refrain from calling me a whale.

     So it is Friday and I need to go running but after a long day with little kids I have no energy.  I figured this would help motivate me but it hasn’t worked yet.  I guess energy isn’t an excuse.  The truth is, I had to give Lilly back to her dad for the weekend and I miss her already.  It is hard to want to go for a run when you want to just cuddle up with your daughter and watch a cartoon.  I will see her on Tuesday so it isn’t the end of the world…at least I keep telling myself that.  When you are used to being with your child all the time and then suddenly have to agree to split the time you have with her, it doesn’t really seem fair.  So my motivation today is going to have to be that I set my 40 miles a week goal.  I am not even to ten miles.  I feel like a failure, but I am determined to get there by midnight on Sunday.  I don’t really have any consequences.  It isn’t like I will turn into a pumpkin if I don’t, but I wrote it on my blog so I should probably try to make it happen.

     Image  This is my special motivation for tonight.  Instead of sitting around being all mopy about not having Lilly or money for that matter, I am going to go run my ass off and make popovers.  I posted a picture of them because if you have never had one you MUST HAVE ONE!!!!  “What is a popover?”  I am glad you asked!  It is delicious and it is made out of eggs, butter, milk and flour.  It is so easy even Lilly can make them.  Alright…I should go out and run, but here is the recipe I like in case you want to try and make them.  I must add that these are good for runners because the protein in them is great and there is nothing like a nice, warm popover after a long run in the cold!!!  Happy Friday!!!!!!!!

RECIPE
1 1/2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted, plus softened butter for greasing pans
1 1/2 cups flour
3/4 teaspoon kosher salt
3 extra-large eggs, at room temperature
1 1/2 cups milk, at room temperature

Directions

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F.

Generously grease aluminum popover pans or Pyrex custard cups with softened butter. You’ll need enough pans to make 12 popovers. Place the pans in the oven for exactly 2 minutes to preheat. Meanwhile, whisk together the flour, salt, eggs, milk, and melted butter until smooth. The batter will be thin. Fill the popover pans less than half full and bake for exactly 30 minutes. Do not peek.

 

40 what a week?

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image My friend Kelly taught me, “you just have to run for that peanut butter mousse pie!” I haven’t had that in a while…but she is right. This is Kkmovo in the photo with me. Kelly started getting hardcore into running last year. I called her my protege. I am proud of her…she started running about two years ago and she did great in this race. Kelly wasnt happy about the hills and there might have been a few not so nice words she wanted to say to me, but she didnt stop. She ran the Syracuse mountain goat last year and is still alive today. I am proud of her. She is a mother of two boys. Maybe one will be Lilly’s boyfriend. Who knows? I am excited to hear about her new treadmill and am hoping to nag her into a nice run with me for old time sake because we don’t teach at the same schools anymore.
Kelly is my inspiration for running tonight. Part of loving myself has been to get back into running and I call cold weather a nightmare for a long distance runner. Do I face the cold and risk losing a toe? Do I not run? It is much worse you see. I think most long distance runners fear the “dreadmill.”
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This is my dreadmill…yup that is right there is a toddler reading on it. This is about all I like to use my dreadmill for. Lilly used to have me “run” while holding her when she was younger. (Shakes head) That was fun! I think I accomplished weight lifting at the same time. Getting back to the dreadmill. When you have small children the dreadmill is sanity. I used the jogger but try taking a child out in the heat and having them barf all over. It isn’t fun. Then there is the opposite. For example, it was -26 here in good old Syracuse yesterday. I am sure I would be the next mother of the year. Therefore, it is either dreadmill or running back and forth. Ill take the dreadmill unfortunately.
So getting back into running for me entails many challenges. I work with kids all day. I am in a school with snack and birthday parties all around. I need to resist the urge to eat!!!! As I previously stated, my pants have become a little snug. I was at 113 by the end of the summer and the cookies attacked me at Christmas. I was up to 123. I know what you are thinking. “Shut up!” Did you know Shalane Flanagan is 5 feet 5 inches tall, 32 years old, and only weighs 106 pounds? Why do I care? She has a bronze medal from the Olympics to show for it. Kara Goucher is 123 pounds but she is almost 6 feet tall. They are amazing athletes and Kara is a mother.
I have to cut down on the naughty temptations and face the dreadmill to get back into shape. The hard part is when I do. It is not easy losing weight and being skinny like everyone thinks. If being skinny is what everyone desires to be, then why am I trying to fall in love with myself? When you are skinny it gets tiring. Everyone says how lucky you are. Then you hear about how you need to eat more or how you are anorexic looking. That is part of the reason I fell into this predicament. I love running. I made myself cut down to gain a little weight because I was tired of what people were saying.
The truth is part about falling in love with yourself means listening to your body. I need to do that. Today I ate grilled chicken and sweet potatoes for lunch. It was the best meal I have made all year. The even better part was that it was really healthy and I stayed out of the snacks…until the end of the day. There was a birthday party. I had a piece of cookie cake…
So my new goal is to run 40 miles a week. I used to run 60 or more. However, you are never supposed to increase your running by more than 10% in a week. That would be naughty. I am sure I will bump it up to 50 soon.
This week I was plagued with a virus or the flu. I don’t know what it was but Lilly and I had it for about two days. I made myself walk a little but that was bad. So it is Wednesday and I am up to 9.8. I am surprised that is it because I ran 6.2 doing pyramids yesterday and biked five. I have a long way to go before Monday. I guess it is a good thing I have off on Saturday and Sunday. I might be dragging that last mile.
If I make it to 40 miles, maybe I can talk Kelly into some of that peanut butter mousse pie I haven’t had in ages. Rule number one, why run if you can’t indulge once in a while?
Thank you Kelly Moser Vogler

New Years Resolution

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Ever since I can remember, my sister and I were always opposite.  The older we get the more we realize just how similar we are.  Last year was a roller coaster for both of us.  We went through many changes emotionally and physically.  After I contemplated creating a blog, Shannon asked me if I wanted to start a blog.  This came out of nowhere and no matter what, we always have that twin intuition.  We both have goals.  We want to fall in love with ourselves.  This sounds somewhat cocky, but listen to what we are all about and follow us throughout the year.    Since I cannot speak for my sister, I will go ahead and take the plunge.  This past year sucked.  I will leave it at that.  The year before sucked even more.  I know there are people out there who have it worse, but I really need a bigger shovel to shovel all that I have been given.  I would like to say, “no thank you!”  I am done!!!  This year I would like to have the best year of my life.  I want to get back into running and spoil my daughter, Lilly.  I have been running since I was 26, but with all the shoveling I have let it go.  It has helped me out in so many ways and lately I have not been feeling good about my pants not fitting.  It’s funny how people perceived me as too thin when I was running and I wanted to gain weight.  Now that I have gained weight, I cannot run as much and I realize it is better to wear earmuffs.

This year it is my goal to get back into running, love up Lilly, and find the girl I used to be.  I want to block out all the negatives and focus on myself.  I am even giving up dating for a long time since I was divorced about two years ago and recently had my heart broken through text messaging.  I need to find my self worth and maybe along the way have a little fun!

I am not really sure what my sister is going to say…twins