“Because forgiveness is like this: a room can be dank because you have closed the windows, you’ve closed the curtains. But the sun is shining outside, and the air is fresh outside. In order to get that fresh air, you have to get up and open the window and draw the curtains apart.” -Desmond Tutu
This window brings up so many memories. I haven’t really been able to look out of it since I first moved here. I moved to Manlius, NY in October because I could have pets at my new apartment and it was a beautiful. There are hardwood floors, two bedrooms and there is a nice view overlooking a creek off in the distance. This apartment was supposed to be a new beginning and a way for my boyfriend to come visit with his dog.
I used to own a home. I had a terrible divorce and managed to escape it with my beautiful, extremely well-behaved little girl. When I got to know my first boyfriend since marriage, I realized how much I had to look forward to. For the first time in years, I felt like someone noticed me. We could do everything and anything together and I would be just as happy. Somewhere along the way I became lost. I became so lost in love that I didn’t notice he never loved me. I had fallen so head over heels for him and tried to be that girl who could make him smile no matter what.
Do you remember the exact moment you fall in love with someone? I do. We were in Maine. I went to Maine for a race and I wanted to show him Portland. We went to one of the islands on a boat and rented bikes. We left our bikes by the side of the road and climbed down onto the rocks and looked out at the ocean. We stood there and everything else didn’t seem to matter. I was with him and he was with me. I was lost in his eyes. I never wanted to leave that moment.
When he lost his job and had to fix up his house, I would have done anything to help him out. I remember those long nights after working all day. I was just happy to be there. I will never forget how happy I was when he found a job in Brewerton, since it meant he would not be leaving the state…but my heart was crushed when he hated it enough to move out of state for a new job. I wanted to be worth staying for. Since I have Lilly, I can’t move out of state. I wanted to be the girl he would never have to say good bye to. I had never felt that way before so when I wasn’t it crushed me.
This window is important because I will never forget the day I looked out it and life seemed to be going in the right direction. I had found that one person in life who understood me and who could enjoy doing the same things as me. He taught me to love biking and to rock the jeans. I could hang out all night and eat mounds of chili and he wouldn’t judge me.
When he came to get him things, he paused and looked out this very window. I can’t remember what he said because I was too busy wondering if this was the last time I would see him. This was our good bye. I wanted to be his girl. I don’t think I can ever belong to anyone else…no matter how much I try.