I know it has been a while since I have written. For a while, life was looking up. I think I have been doing a great job of listening to this quote. I have been enjoying the little things…
The truth is, when you get dealt shitty cards in life, you have to try to roll with it. I have learned a few things. I am strong from it. I don’t know how to go on sometimes, but I have managed. I think I have blocked out a lot of the past and it is slowly coming back…in bits and pieces. I think this is a good thing.
Let me tell you some of the bits and pieces….
I can no longer shut my eyes. The images are still there, just as if they had happened yesterday. I remember hiding the gun cabinet key in a drawer where it would not be found. I don’t know why it bothered me, but I hated knowing he could find it. It just made me uneasy. I don’t know if the drink made him that way, the drugs, or it was in his blood. I suspect a little bit of everything. When we bought our house, it had to have a bar. There had to be a bar and a pool table.
I could hear her crying…something was wrong, but I wasn’t allowed to go upstairs. She had to stay in her crib. She had to “stop whining.” She never whined…she was sick or worse. He didn’t know. How could he? He was never there…and we preferred it. We were better off.
I started to run with the jogger. I didn’t want to leave her there. She wasn’t allowed to see my sister though. I tried to sneak her there, but he made me give her to him. I had to leave her behind. It wasn’t fair. We tried to go to Skaneateles as much as possible. He would never come there. It was too far. We would spend hours building rock castles and waving at the mail boat from the dock. Every day, I wanted to just run with her…to some far off place…
It isn’t possible. No matter how much I have fought for freedom, it feels like we will never be free.